Velospit* ile şer-bet çağrışımlar

Mart 24, 2007 at 08:00 · Filed under Ben Düygü Hanım nasılım, Siportif genç

saldırgan sera örgütle,kepaze döşsel ürüyekalır
çabuk pastörizasyoncağızsa mahvediveresice.**
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Bisikletimi sürerken bir yandan dışımdan eski bir Bulutsuzluk Özlemi parçası söylüyordum… “Karanlık soğuk, alabildiğine geniş, ama şimdi ıssız…” Uzun zamandır dinlememiştim, en sevdiğim parçalarından biriydi. Sesli şarkı söylemek huyum yoktur normalde – korkunç sesimle insanları üzmek istemem. Bugünü özel yapan bir şey de yoktu. Sadece içimden gelmişti sanırım. Çevredeki büyük ve parlak iş merkezlerininin birinden az önce çıkmış olduğunu tahmin ettiğim elinde evrak çantası, bakımlı zenci bir kadının yanından öyle şarkı söyleyerek geçerken düşündüm “gören de beni mutlu ve sakin bir insan sanacak“. Bu ironi beni güldürdü. Bir an için kendimi öyle tasasız bir insanmışım gibi hissettim. Hemen geçti. Bisikletle eve dönüyordum, hava çok güzeldi, henüz kararmamıştı. Yollar da, vakit iş çıkışını biraz geçtiği için o kadar kalabalık değildi. Keyifliydi aslında. Ama malesef tasasız filan değildim.

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Kendime vermiş olduğum sözü tutup (nadiren de olsa bunu yapıyorum evet) okula bisikletle gittiğim için kendimle gurur duyuyordum, ve bu bakımdan huzurluydum aslında. Bisikleti sürerken “şimdi hangi kaslarım çalışıyor acaba, ve belki o çalışan yerlerimde sportif bir insan olur muyum?” gibi ulvi meselelere de kafa yoruyordum, daha ne olsundu.

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Sözünü ettiğim şarkılı türkülü dönüş yolu, elbette pek çok trafik ışıkları ile doluydu. Bunlardan bir tanesinde kırmızıya yakalandığımda, o gün ilk defa satın almış olduğum ve bisikletin suluk haznesine yerleştirdiğim “ginsengli, limonlu yeşil çay” şişesine uzanıp son kalan çayı da lıkır lıkır içiverdim. Sonra üstümdeki uzun kollu penyeyi çıkardım. (Vay be, terliyor olduğuma göre hakikaten spor yapıyor olmalıydım). Boş yeşil çay şişesine bakıp içimden yine “gören de beni hergün böyle sağlıklı yaşam manyağı sanacak” diye geçirdim.

Sürekli, birilerinin “dışarıdan” bana bakıp hakkımda ne düşündüklerini tahmin etme gibi bir hastalığın sahibiyim. (Kendime güvensiz olmamdan kaynaklanıyor olsa gerek – ya da kadın genetiği). Çoğu zaman kendi yaptığım tahminlere inanıp onların bana verdiği sıkıntıyı, hayatın zaten beni es geçmeyip bana da bahşetmiş olduğu diğer sıkıntılara ekleyip daha da stresli bir insan olarak geçiriyorum günlerimi. Buna psikolojide “paranoya” deseler yeridir. Fakat ben aynı zamanda megaloman da olduğumdan, böyle tanımlar yerine kendimin “tanımsız durumlar” içinde olduğumu düşünmeyi yeğliyorum, galiba. Öte yandan, başkalarının benim hakkımda düşündüklerini tahmin edip sonra da gerçekmiş gibi inandığım şeyler hep “sıkıntı verici” oluyor. Aynı bünye içinde megalomana ek olarak kendisinden nefret eden bir şahsiyet barındırdığım ve bu şahsiyet genelde baskın çıktığı için, insanların benim hakkımda “iyi bir şey” düşünecekleri tahminlerinde bulunmuyorum hiç.

Eve yaklaştığımda ara sokaklardan birinden önüme bir başka bisikletli geçti. Bir anda yarış psikolojisine girdim. Ama burada hemen belirtmeliyim ki, bu yarış psikolojisi, her ne kadar artık doğalmışçasına, anında beni sarsa da, önceleri böyle bir psikolojinin insanı değildim. Ne zaman ki Meren’le bisiklete binmeye başladık, ve ne zaman ki biz onunla romantik sevgililer gibi normal hızda St. Charles’ın ikinci şeridinden bisiklete binerken yanımızdan “fiyuuuuvvv” diye hızla başka bisikletliler geçti, o zaman gördüm ki erkeklerin içinde bu yarış dürtüsü doğuştan var. Zira ben “fiyuuuvv”un şaşkınlığından henüz kurtulmuştum ki Meren’in, romantizmi de beni de geride bırakıp yanımızdan geçen adamı yakalamak ve mimkinse geçmek amacı ile pek uzaklarda hırsla pedal çevirmekte olduğunu farkettim. O an ne yaptım? Sakin ve yavaşça pedal çevirmeye devam ederken, elbette düşündüm. Düşündüm ve dedim ki kendi kendime (içimden tabiy – yoksa dışarıdan bakan biri deli sanabilir) erkekleri bu hayatta kadınlara nazaran “daha …” yapan her şeyin özünde bu yarışçı ruh yatıyor. O günden sonra dikkat ettim, ne zaman bisiklete binsem ve yanımdan biri hızla geçse, o hızla geçişin içinde biraz “meydan okuma” gizli. Eğer cevap olarak ben de o kişiyi geçersem hemen sessiz bir yarış başlıyor. Meğer erkeklerin olayı buymuş.
Nitekim bugün de adamın ara sokaktan önüme çıkışını bana okunmuş bir meydan olarak algılayıp davrandım pedala. “Fiyuuuvv” diye yanından geçtim ama arkadaş pek yarış havasında değilmiş, arkama dönüp baktığımda tingil tingil sürmeye devam ediyordu bisikletini. Ben de bizim sokağa iki blok kalmış olduğundan bu durum üzerinde çok durmadım. Malesef yeniden şarkı söylemeye başladım.

Eve geldiğimde komşu Rene çiçeklerle uğraşıyordu. Bu adamın benden daha unutkan olması çok acayip geliyor bana. İki günde bir karşılaşıyoruz, ve bana bugün üçüncü kez yeni diktiği mor ve pembe “periwinkle”ları ilk defa gösteriyormuş gibi gösterip üçüncü kez bu çiçeklerin aynısından bizim mutfak penceresinin orada kendiliğinden çıkmış olduğunu söyledi. Üçüncü kez onlara “gönüllü çiçek” dendiğini ekleyip dünya üzerinde yapılması mümkün bütün yüz tiklerinin sahibi bir insan olduğundan, tiklerini icra etti ve hmnf diye burnundan hızla nefes vererek gülümsedi. (Sanki kendisinden nefret ediyormuşum gibi duyuluyor ama sadece betimliyorum yeminle.)

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Bisikletimi artık elimle itekliyordum. Bahçede Rene’yi gördüğüm zamanlarda çiçeklerin arasındaki betonda bisikleti sürmek yerine elime alıyorum ki adam çiçeklerini ezerim diye kıllanmasın – bilemez ki ben ne kadar usta bir bisiklet binicisiyim-. Öyle bisikleti itekler ve Rene’ye hoşçakal derken, unutkanlığın hem büyük bir haksızlık, hem de insanoğlunun en önemli adaptasyonlarından biri olduğunu düşündüm. Haksızlıktı, çünkü okumakta olduğum bir kitabın başını unutuyordum daha kitap bitmeden. Oliver’ın bana daha bir gün önce deneylerin sonuçları hakkında içimi rahatlatan bir açıklama yaptığını unutup “bu doktora bitmeyecek” diye endişelenmeye devam ediyordum mesela. Ya da hafızamı güçlendirsin diye satın aldığım ve sabah bir tane, akşam bir tane içmem gereken “Ginkgo Biloba” ağacı özütü hapını içmeyi unutan bir insan olmak haksızlıktı. (Bir paradoksa hapsolmuştum ve kimi zaman kendimi Memento’daki adam gibi hissediyordum). Fakat neyse ki bu kadar unutkan olduğumu da unutuyordum kimi zaman… O zamanlar huzurlu oluyordum. Her şeyi hatırlamak da bir yüktü ne de olsa. İnsan üzerinden atıvermek istiyordu bazen. Sonra bazen olayların, ya da herhangi bişeylerin unutulduğunu, ama geriye “hislerin” kaldığını düşündüm. Aynı, sabah kalkınca unutulan rüyalar gibi… Kötü ya da iyi bir rüya görüdüğünüzü hatırlıyor ve kötü ya da iyi hissediyordunuz, ama “ne” gördüğünüzü hatırlamıyordunuz. Geriye hissel izleri kalmış oluyordu.

Eve girdim. Kenime meyve salatası hazırladım. Üstüne meyveli yoğurt da koydum. Onu yemeden önce biraz mekik çektim, esneme hareketleri filan yaptım. Sonra meyve salatamı yiyip Sandman’in 7. kitabının kalan sayfalarını okudum. Delirium’un Sandman’de en sevdiğim karakterlerden biri olduğunu düşündüm. (Ara sıra onu neden sevdiğimi hatırlamak için baştaki sayfalara yeniden bakmam gerekiyordu.)

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Gece 12′yi geçtikten sonra bol kaşarlı peynirli bir tost, yanına da kahve yaptım. (Kahveye kafimeyt de koydum bissürü). Saat zebahın 2′sinde labda olmam gerekiyordu. (Kendileri için zamanın durması gereken bir miktar kurbağa embriyosu beni beklemekteydiler). O saatlerde Meren’in dünyanın öbür ucunda uyanık olup olmayacağını düşündm. Sonra, yarının yeniden sağlıksız yaşamıma döndüğüm bir gün olup olmayacağını merak edip, bugünün “her şeye rağmen” sağlıklı ve güzel oluşuna kaldırdım kahve fincanımı. Tostumdan kocaman bir ısırık aldım. Jamiroquai “Emergency on Planet Earth” diyordu.

* Dedemin bisiklet için kullandığı kelime.
**Zemberek‘ten iki dize.

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324 Yorum »

  1. meren said,

    Mart 24, 2007 @ 17:00

    :)))

  2. Atilla Aktuna said,

    Mart 26, 2007 @ 08:55

    Duygu merhaba,

    Deden nerelidir? Balıkesir çevresinde de velespit derler de, merak ettim…

    Selamlar,

  3. Düygü said,

    Mart 26, 2007 @ 17:15

    Bak şimdi sen sorunca düşündüm, dedem de velespit diyordu, velospit değil. Ben beynimin derinliklerinde kalmış Fransızca yüzünden “velo” diye yazmışım. Yanlış hatırlamıyorsam “velo” Fransızca’da bisiklet demekti zira. Dedemin de az buçuk Fransızca’sı vardı (zaten o neslin okumuş yazmışları arasında Fransızca popülermiş ya), ben hep o yüzden velespit der sanıyordum. Burdurluydu zat-ı alileri.

  4. Fake Latte said,

    Mart 28, 2007 @ 12:56

    Gece 12′den sonra yapilacak kahveler icin ufak bir recete:
    -Kupanin 1/3′lu soguk (light, soya, ya da baska cesit) sutle doldurulur
    -1/3′u soguk sut dolu kupa mikrodalgaya 1 dakika 43 sn boyunca (@800W) birakilir.
    -Tam kaynamadan alinan kupaya keyfinize uygun miktarda kahve konulur ve iyice karistirilir.*
    -Uzerine kaynar su ilave edilir ve sseker de atilarak karistirilir.
    -Kafimeyt gibi zararli seylerden de bu sekilde uzak durulur. Hem de gunluk sut ihtiyaci olan 300 ml’nin bir kismi bu sekilde alinir.
    -Afiyet olsun.

    *Mikrodalgada su, sut gibi sivilari isitmak cok dikkat gerektiren bir istir ve ozellikle bu tur sivilar mikrodalgada gozle gorunur sekilde kaynamiyor olmalarindan oturu isisi bu sekilde artirilmis bir siviya baska bir cisim degdigi anda kaynamanin hepsini bir anda gerceklestirmek uzere sicak su patlamasi seklinde tehlike arzedebilir. Ayrica, metal kasik kupa icindeyken mikrodalgaya koyma gafletinde de bulunmayin, hos olmuyor. (Tecubeyle sabittir) :)

  5. Düygü said,

    Mart 28, 2007 @ 15:14

    :)
    Kafimeyt’i yeni keşfettim uzun süredir soya sütü ile içiyordum kahvemi ama hayatımda sanki çok önemli bir şey eksik gibiydi. Evdeki kahve makinesi kahveyi yeterince ısıtmıyor zaten o beni üzüyor, mikrodalgaya koyunca sanki tadı değişiyor :) (tamamen benim paranoyam olabilir). Soya sütünü çok seviyorum ama kahveyle olmuyordu bir türlü. Bu konuda bir nevi “gurme” kesilmiş olabilirim başınıza.

    Süt gibi şişede satılan kafimeyti gördüm sonra… Kahve yeniden bir mutluluk unsuru oldu benim için, mutluluğu her yerde kolayca bulamayan bir pesimist olduğumdan, çok değeri var :)

    Yoğurt yiyorum bissürü, kalsiyum oradan geliyor, endişelenmeyiniz ey Fake Latte. Bir de mikrodalgaya metal koyunca ne oluyor hep çok merak etmiştim. Padaaaa diye patlıyor mu? Nedir?

  6. Fake Latte said,

    Mart 29, 2007 @ 00:07

    Mikrodalgaya yanlislikla konulan metal patlamiyor ama cazirrr cuzurrr sesleri icinde garip seyler oluyor iceride. Ben uc bes saniyeden daha fazla buna devam etmeye cesaret edemedim ama gecen yil Melbourne’un en kuytu koselerinden birinde mukim Science Works Museum’da cocuklara egitim amacli yapilan gosterilerden birinde rastlamistim. Uzun sure bu sekilde cazirr cuzurr ses cikarmasina musaade edilen metal kasik sonunda mikrodalgayi gurultulu bir sekilde bozuyordu. Yani “kaputt” oluyor efendim guzelim mikrodalga. Gerci sorun degil, 90 dolara K-Mart’ta yepyenisi satiliyor ama boyle birseyi kendi gozlerimle gormek icin bana biraz pahali bir eglence gibi geldi.

    Bir de, haklisiniz, mikrodalgaya konulunca tadi biraz bozuluyor degil mi? Ben de hissediyorum onu… :)

    Afiyet olsun!

  7. Baris said,

    Mart 29, 2007 @ 07:23

    Ayni sekilde mikrodalga’da agaroz jel hazirlarken erlen flask’in agzinda aliminyum folyo unutunca da cazir cuzur sesleri esliginde electric sparks gosterisi izleyebiliyorsun!

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