Çekmediğim fotoğraf

Dakar’ın sokaklarında yürüyorum. Fotoğraf makinam yanımda, ama elim bir türlü makinaya gitmiyor. Bol bol fotoğraf çekecektim. Çekmiyorum. Fotoğraf makinasını elime aldığım andan itibaren bir başkası olacağım çünkü. Bu halimle (makina çantamda gözlerden uzak iken) beyaz bir kadınım sadece. Belki Dakar’da yaşıyorum uzun süredir, belki sadece ötedeki sokaktaki bakkala gidiyorum. Bu halimle pek tabi, üç sokak ötedeki iş yerime gidiyor bile olabilirim. Bu halimle ben, ten rengime rağmen “buralı” sayılabilirim. Ama fotoğraf makinasını elime aldığım an iş değişecek.

Aklımda sürekli, ben arabadan fotoğraf çekerken, kendisini fotoğrafladığımı görüp bana nefretle bağıran adam var. Sürekli düşünüp duruyorum, o neden bu kadar kızdı, peki ben niye fotoğraf çekmek istiyorum? Altı üstü turistik bir Afrika gezisinde, işte fotoğrafçının en derin ikilemi ile yüzyüze geldim: Bir anı belgelemek için ödenecek bedelin sınırı ne?

Savaş fotoğrafçıları zaman zaman, insanlara yardım etmek yerine fotoğraf çekiyor olmakla suçlanıyorlar. Biz fotoğrafı izleyen olarak çoğu zaman perde arkasını bilmiyoruz: fotoğrafçı deklanşöre bastıktan hemen sonra koşup yaralılara yardım etti mi? Kendisi bir kurşun mu yedi? Yoksa hemen kaçıp saklandı mı? O fotoğrafı çekmek için nasıl bir bedel ödedi? Tercihi ne olursa olsun, savaş fotoğrafçısının o anı belgelemek için yeterli ve geçerli sebepleri olduğu iddia edilebilir. Üstelik, fotoğrafçının sadece orada oluşu ve hayatını tehlikeye atışı bile, fotoğrafçıya makinasını eline alma hakkını veriyor diyebiliriz. Fakat her halükarda ödediği bir bedel var ve anı belgelemek için ödenen bedelin sınırları, savaş fotoğrafçısı için daha geniş denilebilir.

Peki o zaman, gezginin belgeleme hakkı nerede başlıyor ve nerede bitiyor? Bir insanı huzursuz etmek, kızdırmak gezgin kişi söz konusu olunca belki de ağır bir bedel. En azından benim için, adamı bir türlü aklımdan çıkaramadığıma ve hala yaptığımdan utandığıma göre, yeterince ağır. Öte yandan, sadece gezginlik amacıyla da olsa, belgelenen anın ileride tarihi bir kıymeti olabilir. Niyetimiz mi belirliyor sınırların nerede başlayıp nerede bittiğini? Bir sosyolog olarak orada olsaydım, bir gezgin olarak orada bulunup belgelemekten daha mı çok hakkım olacaktı? İnsanları kızdırmak, huzursuz etmek bedelini ödeyebilecek miydim?

Sokaklarda yürümeye devam ediyorum. Türkiye’den unuttuğum ve hatta belki de hiç görmediğim bir kir pas. Uzun zamandır yaşadığım o gelişmiş ülkede soluduğum hijyenik hava bir yana, Dakar’ın şehir merkezinde, esen rüzgarın yerden kim bilir neleri kaldırıp harmanladığı bu tozlu hava bir yana. Her köşe başında sakat ya da çocuklu dilenciler. Ama bir yandan, aynı sokaklarda parketmiş son model arabalar. Yeni yapılmakta olan uzun binalar. Kırık dökük kaldırımlar, çamur birikintileri, hemen karşıda büyük bir kitapçı, bir sokak ötede cami, caminin kenarında işportacılar. Karşıya geçip köşeyi dönüyorum, adamın biri hemen oradaki binanın duvarına işiyor. Kaldırım değiştiriyorum.

Rüzgar esiyor yeniden ve yeniden içime çektiğim tozlu havanın, hijyene alışıp şımarmış ciğerlerim tarafından nasıl karşılandığını düşünüp, hafiften işkilleniyorum. Aynı fotoğraf makinamı sakladığım gibi, bastırıyorum bu hisleri, sanki etrafımdakiler anlayacak da benim “oralı” olmadığımın farkına varacaklar. Oysa ki ben günlük hayata karışıp ten regimi hatırlamadan yürümek istiyorum sokaklarda, burası nasıl bir yer anlayabilmek için.

Tam o sırada döndüğüm sokağın sağında, daracık kaldırımda bir grup kadın oturuyor. Plastik taburelerin, yere serilmiş eski ve pasaklı bir bezin üzerine yayılmışlar. Kendi aralarında konuşup gülüşüyorlar, dilenci olup olmadıklarından emin olamıyorum. İçlerinden çok şişman bir tanesi kocaman kalçasını oturttuğu iki plastik tabure üzerinde, dev gibi memeleri açıkta, bir bebeği emziriyor. Dakar’ın şehir merkezinde, iş yerlerinin, lokantaların, büroların olduğu bu sokaklardan birinde… Belki dilencilerin öğle arası bu… Önlerinde kendilerini bekleyen uzun bir gün, nerede oldukları umurlarında değil. Ve bu kadın elbette yavrusunu besliyor. Ama bu haliyle öyle bir manzara ki, adeta insanlar bebelerini beslesin diye bu kadına gelmişler, o da sonsuza dek süt üretecek olan bereketli memelerinden süt içiriyor yavrulara. Hakikaten, kucağında tuttuğu çocuğun ona ait olduğundan şüpheye düşüyorum. Bir süre önce okuduğum kısacık çizgiroman “Beast Mother” geliyor aklıma. Rengarenk desenli kıyafetleri, pürüzsüz ve kapkara tenleri, sokağın pisliği, çarpık kent, çirkin binalar, açıktaki bu dev gibi memelerden süt emen bebek. Bu yolculuğun en belgelenesi anı işte bu olsa gerek.

Bir gezgin fotoğrafçı olarak haddimi biliyor, elimi fotoğraf makinama götürmeye yeltenmiyorum bile. Derin bir nefes alıp gülümsüyorum.

Yürümeye devam ediyorum…

 

 

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78 Yorum »

  1. Fumik0 said,

    Mayıs 3, 2012 @ 21:53

    Yazinin anlatimi cok basarili olmus bu sefer, hani gunce okuyor gibi degilde, sanki bir romandan alinti gibi olmus, ayri bir tat vermis.. Cekemedigin fotografi da oyle bir anlatmissin ki, sanki Balzac okuyormus gibi hissettim, gormus kadar oldum :)

    Ayrica nasil bir kare cektinde adami kizdirdin bilemiyorum tabi ama, dunyanin neresinde olursa olsun sakliyacak birseyi olmayan bir insanin(ki burada art niyet ariyorum) fotografi cekildi diye bu kadar tepki verecegini sanmiyorum. O yuzden cok dert etmemen gerektigini dusunuyorum, tabi bu kendi fikrim, seninkine de saygi duyuyorum.

    Hersey bir yana yazi sahane olmus..

  2. adil said,

    Mayıs 4, 2012 @ 02:47

    güzel bir gezi/fotoğraf yazısı olmuş. aslında söyleyecek bir şeyim yok ama yazıyı beğendiğimi(beğen düğmesinin bazen işe yaradığını farkettim) belli etmeden geçmek istemedim :)

  3. ardamardar said,

    Mayıs 4, 2012 @ 06:24

    sevdigim kizla bir tatile cikmistik, 5 yil once falan, fotograf makinem yoktu, cekemedim, ama cok da eglenmistik, hic ani kalmicak diye uzuluyordum, sonra birgun bi tane fotograf albumu aldim, kagitlari fotograflar buyuklugunde kestim ve kafamda fotografini cektigim anlari kagitlara cizdim. hehe… oyle fotograf albumu oldu gezinin.

  4. Biyolokum said,

    Mayıs 4, 2012 @ 08:25

    Herkese çok teşekkürler.

    Fumik0, bana kızan adamın fotoğrafı önceki yazıda var. Yol kenarında bir satıcıydı. Benim Senegal’de fotoğraf konusunda karşılaştığım tavır ve düşündürdükleri konusunda daha sayfa sayfa yazabilirim. Kısaca, insanlar fotoğraflarının çekilmesinden hoşlanmıyorlar. Bunu beyazların kendilerini aşağılayışı olarak mı görüyorlar, temelinde eski kabile inançları var da onun kalıntıları mı, yani nedir tam olarak bilemiyorum. Ama bir aşamada anlıyorsun ki, rahatsız oluyorlar işte. Ya da mesela, beyaz insanın fotoğraf çekme isteğini kullanıyor satıcı kızlar, sana yanaşıp ”şu kolyelerden almak ister misin, fotoğrafımı çekebilirsin istersen” diye ”yem” yapıyorlar meseleyi. Gerçekten çok acayip.

    ardamardar, ya en güzeli seninkisi olmuş, daha ne ister insan :) Ama oturup çizebilmek her yiğidin harcı değil.

  5. CilginSapkaci said,

    Mayıs 4, 2012 @ 11:35

    Sunu not etmek isterim ki fotograf makinen cantandayken orada yasadiginin dusunulecegini dusunmen buyuk yanilgi. Makinali ya da makinasiz, cikarip haritaya bakmali ya da bakmamali, yabanci bir yerde kiliginla kiyafetinle yuruyusunle bakisinla “ben yabanciyim” diye bagiriyorsun ne kadar kassan da. Orada 3 yildir yasiyor olsan bile “yabanci”sin ve oyle kaliyorsun. Durum buyken makinayi saklaman, cekmek istedigin kareleri kacirman yazik olmus. Ha, meren’in gecen gunku yazisindaki gibi “lan millet fotograf cekmekten etrafina bakmiyor” turu bir cekincen varsa o ayri. Benim “turist” sanilmakla da, gezdigim yerlere bakmak kadar sipsaklamakla da sorunum olmadigi icin icim pek bir rahat, dogrusunu soylemek gerekirse meren’in de senin de yazilarinizi okuyunca “fazla takiyor bu cocuklar, fazla dert ediyorlar detaylari, kafalarini mesgul eden bu detaylarla zehrediyorlar gezilerini” diye dusundum. (insan fotografi cekme konusu ayri, onu yaparken ben de iki kere dusunurdum, izin falan alirdim, degisik kulturlerde tepkiler degisik oluyor cunku).

  6. 16-46 said,

    Mayıs 5, 2012 @ 05:51

    Çok güzel yazılar, çok güzel konular… ve tabii ki çok güzel fotoğraflar, daha sık yazmanız dileğiyle başarılarınızın devamını diliyorum…

  7. Aslı said,

    Mayıs 5, 2012 @ 08:13

    İzin almadan biri fotoğrafımı çekse ben ne hissederdim diye düşündüğümde, ben de kızardım kanısına varıyorum. Bu, sakladığım bir şey olduğundan falan değil elbette ama sanırım kendimi biraz nesneleştirilmiş ve değersiz görülmüş hissetmemden kaynaklanırdı. Oysa iznim istenseydi, evet ben bir özneyim, karşımdaki de bunun farkında ve beni önemsiyor diye düşünerek muhtemelen sorun etmezdim.

  8. dicle said,

    Mayıs 11, 2012 @ 01:14

    Bu güzel paylaşım için teşekkürler. Nefis bir yazı olmuş, elinize sağlık.

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