Koştur durma

Nisan 10, 2015 at 17:29 · Filed under Ben Düygü Hanım nasılım, Paris, victory is mine

…

Geçenlerde evde temizlik yapmak için labdan erken çıktım (erken, Düygü’nün dünyasında akşam saat 8-9′dan önceki herhangi bir saat). Kova, bez filan almam gerekiyordu. Place d’Italie’ye gittim, orada büyük bir alışveriş merkezi var. Metro durağında indiğimde, sokağa çıkan merdivenlere doğru yürüken birden çok atmosferik bir müzik duymaya başladım. Kemanlar, kasvetli ve bir o kadar ihtişamlı bir melodiyi çalıyorlardı. Her zaman olduğu gibi acele acele yürüyordum ama kendimi kaptırdığım bu “sürekli bir yere yetişme” duygusunu bastırmayı başarıp durdum, sesin kaynağını aradım. Her ne kadar, metronun koridorlarına sıkışmış bir halde bir orkestra görmeyi hayal etsem de müzik bir amfiden çıkıyordu, bu belliydi. Uzun boylu 50li yaşlarında bir adam, amfinin yanında, önünde nota sehpası, alnının terini opera sanatçılarında görmeye alışık olduğumuz gibi bir mendille siliyordu. İçimdeki aceleci robot ayaklarımı Carrefour’dan alacağım temizlik kovasının heyecanı ile yürümeye zorlasa da ben durmaya devam etmeyi başardım. Hızla akan insan trafiğinden dolayı duvarın kenarına sinmiştim. Mendiliyle terini ara ara silmeye devam edip ufak adımlarla ileri geri yürüyen adam henüz bir şey söylemiyordu. Bu bekleyiş kemanlar yüzünden daha da dramatik hale geliyordu. İçimde garip bir heyecanla bekledim. Nihayet, son derece bas sesiyle bir aryaya başladı. Orada metro duvarlarının arasında, hiç beklenmedik bir atmosferdi bu müziğin yarattığı. Paris’in metrolarındaki müzik genellikle turistlerin en çok bindikleri hatlarda, klişe turist edebiyatına çalışan akordeoncular ve benzerlerinden ibaret olduğundan, artık “Paris’in yerlisi” psikolojisine ermiş, marketten temizlik kovası almaya gitmekte olan bendeniz için enteresandı bu müzik. Kaçmama imkan yoktu, kova da, cif temizlik jeli de, hatta ve hatta temizlik eldivenleri dahi biraz daha bekleyeceklerdi malesef. Adamı iyice görebilmek için yakına gittim. Bulunduğu köşenin karşısında duvara yaslandım. Onlarca insanın arasında durup bu adamın aryasını dinleyen sadece iki kişiydik. Bu da bana garip geldi, ama belki Paris’te biraz daha yaşadıktan sonra bu arya ve sanki Naziler birazdan Paris’i kuşatacakmışın haberini bağıran bu kemanlar bile normalleşecek mi diye meraklandım. Ben bu düşüncelere dalmış, gözlerim operacıya kilitlenmişken O, düzensizce akan insan nehrini yaran bir taş gibi akıntının ortasında duruyor, insanların yüzüne aryasını söylüyordu. Onlarsa, suyun kayayı umursamayıp kenarından akmaya devam etmesi gibi, adam yokmuş, o arya o saniye söylenmiyormuş, o kemanlar Nazilerin geldiğini haber etmiyormuş gibi, sanki bu bir hayalmiş gibi, yüz ifadeleri bile değişmeden hızla akıyorlardı. Bu kadar neyin acelesinde bu insanlar? Ben neyin acelesini ediyorum her gün?

Daha o sabah işe hızlı hızlı yürürken, yine ne kadar hızlı yürüdüğümü, geç kaldım diye kapıda beni azarlamak için bekleyen bir patron olmadığı halde neredeyse koşar adım bir halde olduğumu farkedip, bundan sonra tramvaydan işe kadar olan 500 metrelik yolu yavaş yürümeye karar vermiştim. Acaba bunun yarattığı farkındalık sayesinde mi durabildim bu kemanların sesine o akşam,  ve eğer sabahki acelemin farkına varmamış olsaydım ben de böyle şuursuzca akıp gidenlerden biri mi olacaktım bilmiyorum. Bu düşünceyle (ya da belki de sadece müziğin yarattığı duygularla, operacının o anda aryanın iyice gerilimli bir yerine gelmiş olmasından dolayı) titredim. Adam şarkısnı bitirdiken sonra onu alkışlayıp yerde açık duran şapkasına biraz para attım ve teşekkür ettim. O da bana nazikçe teşekkür etti.

Hızlı yürüme davranışımı çocukluğuma inerek gereksiz bir derinlemesinelikle inceleyecek olursak, suçu önce babama sonra da Neval Teyze’ye atmak istiyorum. “Minik çocuk bacaklarınla kendilerini koşarak takip etmek zorunda kaldığın yetişkinler kimler” diye sorarsanız, işte o kişiler bunlar, başkasını hatırlamıyorum. Babamla olan durum çok problem değildi (ama herkes onun hızlı yürüdüğünü bilirdi) çünkü sadece ikimizin yürüdüğü, ya da ortamda yürüme hızını yavaşlatan bir başka büyüğün olmadığı durumlar nadir oluyordu (diye hatırlıyorum). Fakat Neval Teyze, kendisine teyze diye hitap ediyor olsam da (zira öncelikle karşı komşumuzdu) benim anaokulu örtmenimdi. Hem saçları, hem de bacakları uzun Neval Teyzem her sabah, tatlı endamıyla ve hızlı adımlarıyla Çizmecioğlu İlkokulu’na yürürken ben de onunla giderdim. Bir elimde beslenme çantam, diğer elim Neval Teyze’nin elinde, sabah “jogging”i yapmaya daha o günlerde başlamıştım. 5-6 yaşında her gün okula böyle koştura koştura gidince herhalde kişiliğime kazındı. Bu sayede “kendimi bildim bileli” bir yerlere hep koşturup duruyorum demekte bir sakınca görmüyorum. Veriler oldukça kuvvetli bir şekilde bu duruma işaret ediyor (the data strongly suggest… bu senin içindi sevgili akademisyen).

Fakat aslında bu acelenin en önemli sebebi benim sürekli endişelerden muzdarip bir insan olmam. Acele ediyorum, çünkü yetişmesi gereken bir sürü iş var. Yapmak istediğim bir sürü şey var. Bir günde 24 saat var, ve ne bir günün saatleri, ne bir ayın günleri, ne bir yılın haftaları, ne sağlıklı ve uzun yaşanmış bir ömür, bütün bu yapmak arzusu ile dolup taştıklarıma yetecek gibi görünmüyor (bu nasıl bir arsızlık?). Belki de aslında “iyisinden” bir problem sayılabilir bu. Fakat benim için beraberinde sürekli bir endişe, geç kalmışlık, hatta hatta kimi zaman yenilgi duygusu ile beraber geliyor malesef. İnsanın tamamen değişmesi çok zor, mevcut hallerimizle, problemlerimizle başa çıkmayı öğreniyoruz sadece. Endişe problemlerimin sihirli bir şekilde tamamen ortadan kalkacağına dair hayalperestliği bıraktığımdan beri kendimi daha iyi hissediyorum. Acele acele mi yürüyorum? Hayatım hep bir telaş içinde mi geçiyor? (Bunlar aslında biraz da beni ben yapan şeyler mi?) Bu kadar uğraştığım halde “aceleci” olmayı bünyemden kazıyıp atamıyorsam bununla kavga etmenin alemi yok. Eğer arada bir yavaşlayıp metroda arya söyleyen adamı dinleyen iki kişiden biri olabiliyorsam, bunu da kazandığım bir başka madalya olarak boynuma gururla asar, temizlik kovamı almak için Carrefour’a sakin ve hafif adımlarla, hayatın tadını çıkararak gidebilirim. Namaste.

 

Hamiş: Bu yazıyı yazarken eskilerden çok sevdiğim Bulutsuzluk Özlemi parçası “Koştur durma“yı dinledim. Fotoğraf “resimlerine bakmak için” okuyanlar sıkılmasın diye, konuyla alakasız bir Paris manzarası (Sacré Coeur’den çekildi, Eyfel Kulesi sağda kalıyor, buradan görünmüyor). “Operacının fotoğrafını niye çekmedin?” diye soracak olursanız, bilmiyorum. Sanırım o anda o kadar büyülenmiştim ki, tek yapmak istediğim yavaş adımlarla oradan ayrılmak ve “turist gibi olmamak” oldu. 

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204 Yorum »

  1. feris fontilifis said,

    Nisan 11, 2015 @ 05:14

    canımmmm, bu yazı ile o müthiş, yararlı, bana göre mucizevi temponun arasına bizi de dahil ettiğin için çooook teşekkürler…. Hep yaz. Hastasıyım…. :)

  2. anne kişisi said,

    Nisan 11, 2015 @ 10:52

    Hah şöyleee. ;-)
    Sahane yazmissin geniş specturumlu kızım..

  3. eren said,

    Nisan 11, 2015 @ 15:09

    sizi ilgiyle takip ediyorum umarım yazmaya devam edersiniz

  4. Baris Ozyurt said,

    Nisan 12, 2015 @ 00:32

    Gülten Akın’ ın muhtesem siirini hatirladim bunu okuyunca.

    Ah, kimselerin vakti yok
    Durup ince şeyleri anlamaya

    Kalın fırçalarını kullanarak geçiyorlar
    Evler çocuklar mezarlar çizerek dünyaya
    Yitenler olduğu görülüyor bir türküyü açtılar mı
    Bakıp kapatıyorlar
    Geceye giriyor türküler ve ince şeyler
    …

  5. bülent k said,

    Nisan 29, 2015 @ 22:12

    bence aceleyle sırf bi şeyler yazmak için yazılmış çok saçma vede gereksiz bi yazı olmuş

  6. jamelika said,

    Mayıs 23, 2015 @ 13:09

    beğenmiyorsanız okumak zorunda değilsiniz

  7. Rempo Tempo Turistik Tesisleri said,

    Mayıs 28, 2015 @ 03:42

    Duygum Duygum hayatta en hakiki mürşitleri bulmuş, yapan, eden bir insansın. Sen nasıl istersen öyle ol canım benim. Sana her halin yakışıyor. Namaste…

  8. afacan takipçi said,

    Haziran 1, 2015 @ 06:48

    duygu hanim yasadiginiz o depresyon evresinde işlerinizi aksatmadan nasil çalişabildiniz tabi artik duzeldiginizi uzerinden baya gectigini de biliyorum ama ben bu depresyon ve prozac aşamasindayim günlük hayatim felce uğramış gibi yataktan çikmaya kendimi zor motive ederken siz bide spor yapiodunuz inanin okulumu herseyi birakip yataktan cikmayasim var kronik biçimde eğer biraz olsun kendinizi motive etme asamasini yazarsaniz cok yardimci olursunuz…umarim cevap verir yazmaya vakit bulabilirsiniz

  9. Biyolokum said,

    Haziran 1, 2015 @ 10:56

    Afacan takipçi, “siportif genç” kategorisindeki yazılarda aradığın bilgiyi bulabilirsin belki: http://www.biyolokum.com/category/siportif-genc/

    Fakat özünde, her insan farklı, her insanın kendini motive edecek şeyleri bulması da ancak kendini iyice tanıyıp doğru yerlerden itekleyebilmesiyle oluyor sanırım. Bir de çevrendekilerden yardım istemeye utanmamak çok önemli. Ben sabahları kalkmakta çok zorluk çekiyordum depresyonda olduğum dönemde. Hemen her sabah beni arayıp “yataktan kalk hadi git bi koş gel” diye beni yüreklendirmeyi kabul eden bir melek insan sayesinde o dönemde motive olabildim. Bir başkasına söz verince insan utanıyor sözünü tutmamaya. Kendimize verdiğimiz sözleriyse, yüzsüzlük yapıp tutmamak daha kolay.

    Şunu da eklemeliyim ki benim için depresyon ve endişelerden tamamen arınmak, “iyileşmek” diye bir şey söz konusu değil. Bunlarla başa çıkmayı her geçen gün daha iyi öğreniyorum sadece (“With a little a lot of help from my friends”). Bunu ne kadar erken kabullenirsen o kadar iyi.

    Sana güç, sabır, bol şans diliyorum.

  10. afacan takip said,

    Haziran 5, 2015 @ 15:22

    cevap verdiğiniz için teşekkür ederim.Depresyonu şımarıklık olarak görüyordum başkalarından içimdeki bu Erengul u saklıyordum ben bu kadar içime kapanık iken sizin yazdıklarınız bana ilaç gibi geldi. o kadar güzel çözümlüyorsunuz ki kendinizi evet her insan özünde farklı dediğiniz gibi ama bazen kendimde adlandıramadığım şeyleri sizin yazılarınızı okurken çözüyordum..terapistim bana duygu durumumu not etme ödevi verdiğinde bir bilim insanının gözünden kendisini yazınızı okuyordum yani demek istediğim bana gerçekten yazdıklarınız iyi geliyor umarım yazmaya da devam edersiniz.Sadece depresyonda değil bilim hakkında yazdıklarınız bana hem bakış açısı kazandırıyor okuduğum okulu işkence olarak değil de daha keyif alarak okumama destek oluyor.Kısaca belki kendinize göre sadece burada blog yazan biri olabilirsiniz ama bana göre kendime örnek aldığım süper bir biyolog ninja

  11. Biyolokum said,

    Haziran 6, 2015 @ 15:09

    Yazdıklarımın başkalarına yardım etmesi beni çok mutlu ediyor. (Bu kadar işe yarıyor olmalarıysa şaşırtıyor!) Teşekkür ederim güzel sözlerin için. Malesef bu aralar iş güç ve başka hobiler sebebiyle yazmaya pek vakit ayıramıyorum. Ama elimden geleni yapacağım :)

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