2021′e başlarken ortaya bi karışık

Ocak 1, 2021 at 16:24 · Filed under Öyle oldu böyle oldu

Offf yazmayı çok özledim, özlemişim. Eski yazılara baktım şimdi. Yareppim, aralarında ne saçmalıklar, ne ırkçı laflar içeren şeyler (gözlerim çekikler filan), gereksiz genellemeler… Ama tabi insanın eskiden yazdıklarına bakıp onları yazan kişinin ne kadar değişmiş olduğunu görmesi güzel bir şey. O yüzden geçmişin bu Duygu’sunu internette yaşatmaya devam ediyorum. Bazen gelişen teknoloji (bkz: Google translate) ve değişen dünya (bkz: Black Lives Matter ile level atlayan bizler) ile bu blogun eski sayfaları sadece Türkçe bilenlere değil, başka dilleri konuşanlara da ulaşacak diye panik yaşamıyor değilim. Fakat başından beri bu blogu yazarken farkında olduğum, benim için hala değişmeyen ve önemsediğim şey, kendimi, düşüncelerimi, deneyimlerimi dürüstçe (kendime ne kadar dürüst olabiliyorsam o kadar dürüstçe) paylaşmak. O yüzden zamanında elitist elitist laflar eden, ötekileştiren, kendisini içinde yeni bulduğu kültüre ve ülkeye dair genellemeler yapan Duygu’yu da kimselerden saklamaya hakkım yok.

Bir ara yazmaya geri dönecek gibi oldum, Fransa’ya taşındığımda. İlham geldi tekrar. Bir de insan o ortamın klişesine kendisini kaptırmadan edemiyor: elinde defter kalem, kafelerde, parklarda yazı yazan hüzünlü, derin kişi olmanın dayanılmaz cazibesi… Fakat belki de üçüncü bir dili beynimde etkin hale getirmeye çalışmanın da etkisiyle mi bilemiyorum, (bir de İngilizce-Türkçe çeviri yapmaya da son verişimden biraz hemen sonrası olduğundan belki) sanki Fransa’ya taşınışım Türkçe’min köreldiğini hissetmeye başlamamla çakışıyor. Sanırım o günlerde yazdığım, çok da hastası olmasam da paylaşmaya karar verdiğim bir yazıya gelen negatif (yazımı, üslubumu eleştiren) bir yorum şevkimi kırıyor. Yine kabuğuma çekiliyorum. Ama öyle olacağı vardı, bu bir suçlama değil o yüzden. Geri dönüp baktığımda egomun kırılganlığına hayret ettiğim bir an sadece. Bence zaten internet için yazmayı bırakmaya bahane arıyordum. Biraz içime dönmeye, kendimle kalmaya ihtiyacım vardı. Güzel oldu yani. Problem yok.

Bu da şu anda nereden geldiğini bilmediğim, öyle dökülüveren bir yazı. Pirefösör olduğumdan beri artık böyle keyfi, edebi-gibi-gibi yazmaya hiç vaktim olmuyor deyip duruyorum kendime. Vakit yine bahane aslında. Önceliklerim değişti. Artık seramik var mesela.  Demek ki, birazcık bilimden başka şeylere ayıracak vakit var. Ama seramiğin tadı bambaşka. Huzursuz eden her şeyi unutup kendimi içinde kaybettiğim rengarenk bir dünya. Üstelik, böyle içimde heykeltraş besliyormuşum da haberim yokmuş! Cidden. Belki de hayatımda ilk defa, kendime gereksiz baskılar kurmadığım, başarılı olma kaygısına düşmediğim, sadece kendim için yaptığım, kimsenin ne düşündüğünü önemsemediğim bir etkinlik. İnanılmaz bir özgürlük duygusu. Yani tabi biri çıkıp “ay iğrenç olmuş bence” dese bi an üzülürüm, ama 2 dakika sonra hiç umrumda olmaz. Böyle tertemiz hobi gibi kalabilmesi için, kazancımın başka bir yerden (teşekkürler bilim) olması önemli. Bu lükse sahip olmak ne büyük mutluluk.

Başka neler… İnsanlar ara ara gelip hala yorum yapıyorlar bu bloga. Sanki o artçıl yorumcular sayesinde yaşamaya devam etti yazma ihtimali benim için. “Nolur hep yaz” diyenler var (ne tatlısınız). Hep şaşırıyorum aslına bakarsanız, neden bu kadar sevenler var diye (çok teşekkür ederim). Özellikle onları hayal kırıklığına uğratmak istemem. Şu anda okumakta olduğunuz yazı hiçbir mutlu süprizin (tekrar yazacağımın) habercisi değil. Valla öyle bir anda içimden geldi yazmaya başladım. Görsel filan da bulmaya uğraşmadan (seramik yaparkenki özgür hisle) yazıyorum. Belki bir daha yazarım, belki yazmam.

Zaman zaman gelen yorumlar arasında Meren’i soranlar oluyor. 2010′dan beri ayrıyız (ama bi süre sizden sakladık, nıhahaha). Hala birbirini çok seven iki insanız. O benim için her zaman aileden biri olmaya devam edecek. Ama şimdi onun bir Jessika‘sı (bir de köpeği) var, benim de Ryan’ım ve bitkilerim. Her şey yolunda, ve bu konuda söyleyeceklerim bu kadar :) Moderen insanlarız.

Evet şu anda tıkandım, hala çok kişisel bişey paylaşasım yokmuş. Kendimi zorlamayıp burada bitiriyorum. Beni özlüyorsanız Instagram ve Twitter‘dan takip edebilirsiniz.  Bir de 2021′de biraz daha Türkçe bilim sohbetli sunumlu işler yapmak istiyorum ama bakalım vakit olacak mı… <3

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153 Yorum »

  1. Fatma said,

    Ocak 18, 2021 @ 05:41

    uzun zamandir RSS readerimi acmiyordum. bi de ne goreyim düygü’den bi paylasim. neyse ki yazilar ucmuyor, okumak icin hep bi yerlerdeler. Umarim mutlu bir yil olur ama herkes icin dunyadaki diger canlilar da dahil :)
    Tesekkurler <3

  2. Fatma said,

    Nisan 22, 2021 @ 14:28

    Yıllaaar sonra kerevit yazını tekrar okumak için gelmiştim. Yeni yazıyı görmek çok güzel sürpriz oldu.

  3. Gm said,

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    Ne yapıyor duygu hoca, hiç yazmış mı ya diye bir anda aklıma gelip gördüğüm bu yazı :)

    ‘Hep şaşırıyorum aslına bakarsanız, neden bu kadar sevenler var diye ‘ çok basit, su gibi akıyor yazılarınız. Yorulmadan bütün blogunu okuduğum (hayatımı belki de bilmeden çok değiştiren) birisiniz. Arada yazın, özlüyoruz.

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